Waiting for That Feeling

If ever a time to post, now would probably be the worst. Given that this is for an English journal/diary project, a post of honesty isn’t out of place. Fair warning: this isn’t a giddy update on funny things that happened to me. I do have stuff to mention though, such as my funky bowling adventure, my presentation on the WPAFB, rekindling with a 2/3 time ex and more, but later.

Ever have that feeling where you couldn’t feel more alone? Where you call your closest friend and the only time her mom says no to hanging out if not busy is because you’re too much of an emotional wreck for her daughter to help? That you try to confide in a person, and you get told that just the sheer act of talking in turn is attempting to use that person to manipulate their spouse, which is so impossibly far from the truth, that it hurts that could ever be considered? Of course every teenager goes through phases where they feel alone, but this is the climax feeling of having no one I’ve had in years. When I lived with my mom, before she committed many acts I won’t share here thus basically ending our relationship, I did have that feeling I had no one. I didn’t have many friends I felt that I was close with, I had a stepdad that I used to feel hated my existence, and a mother who shrugged off any emotion I had as crazy and in need to see a psychiatrist. Having no one to call, see, or talk to, that was a very strong feeling of alone I had. That feeling is back. It’s been years since I’ve felt it so strongly. So I’m using this blog to talk of my emotions. I admit, many things from my waning summer had to be omitted because this is a blog on the Internet. This isn’t a place to be so honest. The moment you feel that your blog is the best…thing…to talk to, well that’s an indication of being truly alone.

I’m currently sitting in the guest room (mine’s in limbo of being painted) with a movie on my iPad. I spent a good while doing what upset people do, thinking of who to call to talk to. The few I tried were either busy or not allowed as I mentioned. So I thought I’d write. My first inclination was to write on paper so I could be extremely forthcoming. But, I remembered I need a few more pages to finish my summer assignment, so I’ll just write here.

It does hurt, feeling you don’t have someone to tell everything to. None of my friends from school know a few things about me, and none of my virtual friends know everything about me of course, and none of my family is close enough to know or ask. Anyone my family buys to talk to I’d never fully trust. So what should someone do in a situation like this?

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